Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Yoga for Real Americans

It's time that normal Joe Six-Pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency.
Sarah Palin

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain.
Friedrich Schiller

I don’t know about you, but I’ve about had it with these stuck-up elitist “yoga teachers” goin’ on about how they spent all these years “practicing yoga” and “reading books” about it. I’ll learn yoga from a regular American like myself, not some fancy pants “intellectual,” thank you, and you betcha it won’t be somebody who says all all these weird words from other countries. This is America, so I say talk English or go do your cobra pose in Cuba or Iran or somewhere. Lemme ask you this: when they start sayin’ all that foreign crap like surya namaskar and supta baddha konasana how the hell do you know they’re not talkin’ about terrorism? Answer: you don’t. Hell, you know when people started doin’ yoga here in the U.S.? The 60’s, that’s when. All the hippies got into it so they’d be all limber when they burned their draft cards and took LSD and had gay sex. How do you know Bill Ayers and Reverend Wright weren't doin’ downward facing dog while they were makin’ bombs and plottin’ how to kill “whitey?” You don't. Hell, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if those folks over there in India with their weird gods and crap didn’t come up with all this stuff just to keep us busy tying ourselves into pretzels while they steal our jobs.

That’s why now I’m workin’ with my buddy Joe, who’s taught me some real American yoga poses like sittinonthecouchdrinkinbeernwatchingnascarasana and gettindrunknshootinanimalsasana as well as the restorative passedoutdrunkonthefloorasana. Anybody else know any good ones, you be sure to let everybody know about 'em down there in the comments section.

22 comments:

Buddha said...

Oh thank God, there is intelligent life on the blogosphere!
Every blog I visited seemed to be the same fluff, nothing to say BS. Every discussion, about high school level… I was getting mentally retarded by the hour, trying to fit in with the crowd. And then I found your site… I couldn’t stop reading, you stuff was so cool that by the 3rd post I had a brain freeze... he, he he! I have to go back and digest it one by one. But enough with the butt kissing. I just started my first blog last week and so far I have no friends or a group and your blog is the first one I’d really like to follow – if I can figure out how to add you to my friends list – I am terrible with computers :( Any way, I am a cynical optimist, - don’t expect anything and you’ll never be disappointed – but I could really use a friend and a mentor.
So if you have some time to waist, here’s my email:
buddhaofhollywood@gmail.com
and this is my blog:
http://buddhaofhollywood.blogspot.com/

Lydia said...

This was fantastic.
I would recommend this one:
quitcherbitchenaboutthewarbecausethere ineyerackismysonsalutation

Cody said...

well done.

don't forget about maverickasana. You just perform the opposite of whatever movement the teacher calls and then remain adamant that you're doing exactly as told.

Cheesesteak the Impaler said...

Boo! Blogger doesn't let you embed video into the comment section. So I posted my contribution, actually more a mantra than a pose, to my
blog.

ROCK, FLAG, AND EAGLE!

Koe Whitton-Williams said...

hellhathnofuryliketheopiumofthemassesasana

Linda Sama said...

personally I like pukinginthetoiletaftermargaritasasana...but that's just me.

slow-show said...

great man, I'm reading your blog slowly and there is really some good stuff..I'm very often cynical in life(some will say too often:) so this suits me..btw I'm foreign too, from Croatia, so if you heard in States something like ''lezimnakaucuslusammuzikuijebemisezivo''(translation:''imlyingoncouchlisteningtothemusicandidontgiveafuck'':) maybe it's me:)

roadgurl5 said...

Great post, as usual! I'm partial to hanginachevymotorfromatreeinthefrontyardasana

Seeing Eye Chick said...

It just makes you want to ask the Bobble Headed Barbie, at the Next Debate: "What Wind Blew You Here?"

How do we know indeed. I am so excited finding your comment at my blog and reading yours, that I have almost pissed myself in a fit of antagonistic ecstacy.

Them High Falutin Smart People Think they know so much, we will show them.

Its unfortunate isnt it? That the Pioneering Spirit and the Farm Wisdom that did truly help to create a great country, has been thoroughly adopted and owned by fuctards of the lowest calibre? Poor Jesus, thats all I have to say.

Poor Poor Jesus.

Lana Gramlich said...

Bwah ha ha! Too much, man. This kind of stuff really appeals to me, as I was born under the sign of the smart ass. ;) *L*

The Clandestine Samurai said...

HEY YOU.....HEY!! You damn' right, Maverick! Freakin' yoga....all that stuff's just a new version of Indian smoke signals between terrorist sleeper cells. You know what I say: can't trust anyone who tolerate gays and gets behind that global warmin' crap. I ran a gas and energy company in Alaska, dammit! I know all about the environment and causin' massive amounts of layoffs! Go six pack Joe!!!!

EarthBound said...

Well to be fair, I like yoga for what it's worth- stretching and releasing some tension in unwanted places. What I don't understand too much about is the lingo that comes along with it. Unfortunately, it just doesn't make sense, or help me become any more limber.
EB

Christine Vyrnon said...

ifitellyamysecretyogaposeiwillhaftatorturenkillyavirasana

AnthroYogini said...

Here's some for all you shootin', rootin', huntin', fishin' gals n pals:

ifitmovesshootitasana
ifitgrowscutitdownasana
ifitonthegrounddigitupasana

Be it Alaska or the Northern Territory (Australia), the frontier mantras seem to be the same...

Melinda said...

I have to say that this is one of the funniest articles I have read for a long time. I so agree with you too! Ha ha ha ha ha. Yoga "wear" also really irritates me. I went into a store recently that claimed to have yoga gear and they had some designer yoga duds that were outrageously expensive. And here I thought I was doing fine in my old gym sweats ;)

Melinda

svasti said...

Clever wordsmithing Jay...

At the risk of garnering scorn, I have to say I don't mind learning the Sanskrit names for asana...

Ofcourse, I much prefer it when yoga teachers give both the Sanskrit and English. Although generally the Sanskrit escapes me, I tend to remember the asana I despise. "Oh no, its chattaranga AGAIN"!!

However, I do think you Yankees take your patriotism a tad too seriously. Since when does everything imported into the US have to be Americanised??

Sorry, I'm no help with the smart arse asana name take offs, but laughed heartily all the same. Nice work Jay, commenters.

Christa said...

I LOVED this post. There's too much seriousness in yoga sometimes and it's annoying. I prefer breaking into giggle sessions in class - I call it gigglepranayama.

I am working on a new pose called
wiggleyourbottomindowndog. It is a great stretch and doubles as foreplay.

I just wrote a blog which may be shunned by the yoga community. I call it Smelly Yoga. http://www.giggleon.com/smelly-yoga/

Sure, I need to be mindful on my mat and ignore distractions and focus but good Lord, I am only human. I can't concentrate or "let go" in Warrior when my fellow yogis and yoginis smell like dead dogs.

I'm just sayin'......

markstoneman said...

How about stretching-the-middle-finger-while-rolling-the-eyes-and-trying-to-love-Republicans?

Anonymous said...

How 'bout fuck krist i don't need no pedokweer kristin kathsick jesut preecher fagit tellin me 'bout the most hi.

make me a sergent and gib me da booze, i kin kill em real good, kill em fer krist.

don care 'bout gettin bowel cancer fron drankin, cause they can jus make a spankin new plastic asshole (made in china)

well i don't have a job but killin fer the army is good work i speck...

Louise, Carmine Superiore, Italy said...

That's hilarious. Loved it.

Claire said...

I commend your use of "fancy pants".

I am a fan of pants :)

Gypsy at Heart said...

I can see why it was your most popular post ever Jay. You know, if someday I do ever turn myself into a pretzel, I shall know who to thank. You'd make a yoga convert out of anyone.