Saturday, July 26, 2008

Vanity, Vanity, All Is...Beauty Tips From a Yoga Cynic

It’s said that Persian rug weavers intentionally weave imperfections into their rugs, since only God can be perfect. With all due respect to their spiritual humility, I can do even better: I can be imperfect without even trying.

He believes in beauty, he’s Venus as a boy....

People often ask “how do you manage to be so good-looking?” “How can you stand to be such a stud? and” “Doesn’t it hurt to constantly exude such overwhelming manly beauty?” A hundred years ago, apparent-expert-on-the-female-experience William Butler Yeats wrote: “'To be born woman is to know-Although they do not talk of it at school-That we must labour to be beautiful.’” In these metrosexual times, however, it’s not just women doing the laboring.

Of course, as any yoga teacher worth the studio fee will tell you, it’s inner beauty that counts. Well, lemme tell ya, I got that inner beauty shit out the wazoo—it’s oozing out my pores to the point that it not only radiates outward but gives me acne, shingles, and psoriasis in the process. I spread joy and love like a $5 gigolo get the idea.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Dorothy Parker

Nonetheless, let’s face it, there’s more to beauty than that: there are consultants, loads of expensive brand name products, and, of course, my personal studliness advisor and cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Julio. What do the babes want? Having consulted a range of well known studs including Paul Giamatti, James Gandolfini, Rush Limbaugh, and Karl Rove, I narrowed it down to the following: 1) there’s no sign of virility like a receding hairline, 2) they don’t call ‘em love handles for nothin’, and 3) need I explain the masculine appeal of a big, hairy butt? As such, my status as a babe magnet owes everything to Dr. Julio. (Then, considering all he owes to the cash I’ve laid out for 563 distinct cosmetic procedures—his Aspen condo, 150 ft. yacht, cocaine addiction, and lengthy stints dealing with said addiction in exclusive rehab facilities where he got to do group therapy with movie stars—I’d say it all evens out. Balance is everything). Having quite effectively moved hair from forehead to lower regions, Dr. Julio did his most significant work using the medical miracle known as reverse liposuction. I won’t go too much into the gory details of this procedure, but will point out that, while it might seem to go against all that all-natural holistic yoga stuff, there is nothing that makes me feel more connected with my fellow human beings than the knowledge that a significant portion of what is now me resided not long ago inside the voluminous thighs of a bank manager from San Jose....

Beauty—be not caused—It Is—
Chase it, and it ceases—
Chase it not, and it abides—

Overtake the Creases

In the Meadow—when the Wind
Runs his fingers thro' it—
Deity will see to it
That You never do it—
Emily Dickinson

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.


Yoga Chickie said...

This is a perfect example of why more doctors should blog.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that Dorothy Parker quote! I recently had an encounter with someone who is ugly to the bone - and this makes me laugh.

The Unemployed Dad. said...

so, what was the line about the gigolo.. ;)


Kat Mortensen said...

Oh, I think I'm going to like it here!


Anonymous said...

Wow, very interesting and very humorous writing, I was laughing the whole time. I have a related joke to your post - What do you call rabbits in a row jumping backwards,... 'a receding hare-line', lol. Sorry had to do that after reading your tips on attracting babes. Very funny article.

Anonymous said...

What a refreshing blog this is and you're clearly a flower smeller! It's ok - perfectly legal...

Great confucious quote by the way and we're heading down the well being line at GO! Smell the flowers and would love to feature your blog and post in your honour...check us out and let us know how this sounds!


This Brazen Teacher said...

I'm surprised you're a doctor. Your writing (or stream of thought) is so not... linear (read: non-linear, aka: creative.)

I find this encouraging. Thanks for dropping some saracasm over at my blog. We like having that over there.


Anonymous said...

Hi there,
Great posts. I think you're being perceived as a Medical doctor. Since I'm a nurse, I have to say, I only wish most MD's had your sense of humor.

Nevertheless, your ability to seek out the likes of James Gandolfini for studly tips, implies greatness.

Anonymous said...

If I weren't a good girl, I'd tell you how a slight beer belly can be quite useful. :)

Love your blog. I'll be back.

Jack Payne said...

Don't be sexist; broads don't like that.

MYM said...

I have many imperfections, god must think I'm special.