Yoga and Cigarettes

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.
Carl Rogers

...there’s a yoga teacher who comes to the rehab one morning a week...8:15...I’ve never met her...other mornings, a few of the women practice on their own, in an outbuilding...I see them heading out with yoga mats and packs of smokes...time for yoga and cigarettes? I ask...they smile, say we have coffee, too...

...been trying for a while to get my mom to do yoga...it’s kinda turned into a routine...

mom: god, am I stiff...
me: yoga could help with that...
mom: grumble grumble grumble...

...stress that I’m not even talking about going to a class...with somebody at the front of the room telling everybody what to do...she’s 83 and can afford private sessions...pointed out that I know a buncha really great yoga teachers who could sit down with her, ask what she needs help with, and make suggestions...grumble grumble grumble...

...then, being difficult kinda runs in the family...and, truth be told, there are lots of reasons I practice yoga, but because other people think I should ain’t one of ‘em...

...Tara Brach talks about something called the trance of unworthiness...seeing everything through a lens of something’s wrong with me....at one point in Radical Acceptance, there’s a list of thirty or so questions...do I think I’m not _______ enough? Do I judge myself for _______? Do I think I’m too _____?...that kinda stuff.. and I winced while answering yes to pretty much everything but do I think I’m too skinny?...fortunately, there wasn’t one that said do I think I’m a complete idiot for trying to remove ice from the freezer with a knife?...that’d hit too close to home...a home that doesn’t currently have a functioning refrigerator...

We can’t honestly accept an experience unless we see clearly what we are accepting.
Tara Brach

...what it comes down to, I think, isn’t that we can’t or shouldn’t try to change anything...the future is unknown...and, to some extent, ours to shape...but it’s awfully hard to do that if we can’t look clearly, calmly, and compassionately at what's happening in the present...whether self loathing and damaged appliances, loved ones not putting as much effort into raging against the dying of the light as we’d like, or yoga with cigarettes...

Making Imaginary Snowpeople Out of Rain

To recognize the basic goodness in everyone takes courage.
Tara Brach

...the holiday season is upon us....and I thought about being really postmodernly ironic and cute and putting a syrupy sweet Thomas Kinkade holiday image at the top of this post....trouble is, there’s kind of a fine line between being postmodernly ironic and cute and seriously sucking up the place...and that might just cross it...

...and, anyway, this is a time of year...or so I'm told...for dropping one’s cool, ironic stance and getting all warm, fuzzy, and spiritual...like so...

***THIS BWOG WUVS YOU***
***AND WISHES YOU A VEWWY MEWWY CHWISMUS***

...okay...that went waaaaaaay too far...and was kinda painfully ironic, anyway...so...perhaps an inspiring line from The New Testament?...

...I was stoned...
2 Corinthians 11:25

...alright, forget it...

...Bob Dylan came out with a Christmas album, Christmas in the Heart...and I’ve been listening to it while roasting chestnuts on an open fire, redecorating my apartment to look like a manger, and making imaginary snowpeople out of rain...all the while thinking if I keep listening to this, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll come to see it as something other than yet another twisted ironic joke Bob’s playing on his dedicated fans, like me, who he knows would buy a CD of him blowing his nose...which, truth be told, might sound better than his rendition of Here Comes Santa Claus....but, at least, the proceeds are all going toward providing food for people who need it...and that’s what it really should be all about, anyway, isn’t it?...

...(yes, I actually ended that last paragraph with something sincere...even providing a link...as if my Grinch heart grew three sizes...)

Seriously Pushing the Boundaries of Acceptable Outthereness

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you their time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you’re probably a dog.
Quoted by Tara Brach, from an unknown source

...so...drove up to the Berkshires for a weekend at Kripalu...did some yoga, got lost in the woods a couple times, hot tubbed, and took part in this radical acceptance thing led by famous mindfulness person Tara Brach...in which I had a series of really really intense experiences...like, the kind where, attempting to describe them to people back home, I appear to be seriously pushing the boundaries of acceptable outthereness....then, I’ve kinda been doing that my whole life...

...biking downtown for a yoga class Monday morning, though, I was surprised at how easy and enjoyable it all was...the yoga class itself as well as the ride....though only my intention was particularly different...

....setting an intention is something yoga teachers like to talk about at the beginnings of yoga classes...at which point grumpy yoga students whose names won't be mentioned grumble silently about some bullshit positive affirmation I’m supposed to come up with...often ending up with something along the lines of hopefully feeling just a little bit less crappy so I can make it through the rest of the day...which is perhaps closer to desperation, if undeniably real....this time, I was simply there because I felt like it...nothing to do but enjoy...

*photo of my friend Fargo (who has no blog of his own, but is okay with that) gratefully stolen from my friend Aviva*