Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Obligatory April Fool's Day Post


In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou hast attained it – thou art a fool.
Lord Chesterfield

If they had a king of fools then I would wear that crown,
and you could all die laughing because I’ll wear it proudly...
Elvis Costello

Chapter 18, in which many events transpire, none of them of any importance whatsoever...the Vikings walked on water again this afternoon...big whoop...I don’t know why we put up with them...okay, actually, I do...they’re Vikings for Chrissake...if they wanna bore the hell out of the whole neighborhood insisting we watch them walk on water every afternoon, it sure beats being raped and pillaged...still, not exactly the way I wanted to spend my time...I came to Tulum for a yoga retreat...not this, not at all...apparently the spiritual crowd welcomed the Vikings at first...I mean, what the hell...they could walk on water...how much more spiritual than that can you get? And then the crazed brown bunnies came, in the wake of the Vikings...crazed brown bunnies, it turns out, often come in the wake of Vikings....and they started picking dandelions and tossing them in the air whenever the Vikings appeared on the beach...which wouldn’t have been a problem, except that dandelions really aren’t native to Mexico at all, at least not this part of Mexico...where the hell did the rabbits find them? The rabbis, I almost wrote there...actually, I did, but changed it...the rabbis are an issue I don’t like to talk about much....they were a problem, too...really, it really had nothing to do with their being rabbis, but they sure didn’t get along with Jesus or Mohammed...I think the problem with Jesus came when they first met him and said “step down off your pedestal, Jesus, you’re just another rabbi, like the rest of us.” “No I’m not,” said Jesus, “I’m Jesus.” I’m not even gonna go into what Mohammed said about that...Buddha, meanwhile, had a lot of different opinions since, y’know, everybody’s the Buddha except we don’t all realize it...I’m told that even rocks are the Buddha...what happens if you break a rock in half, though?...do you get two Buddhas? Is it like mitosis or whatever the hell they called in back in 10th grade biology class?...god, that teacher was an asshole...but this isn’t a book about him...and, anyway, the red birds that might’ve been planes but didn’t really look like much of either were everywhere that afternoon, as well...the eyes kept looking down on them but didn’t care...personally, I didn’t care about any of that...I didn’t have to look up...who the hell needs to look up when there’s so much interesting down, forwards, and sideways? The Vikings, though, they were a real problem...a real problem....and not just because of their cheesy walking on the water stunt...you ever smell a Viking?...seriously, you don’t want to...and you sure don’t ever wanna eat enchiladas de mole sitting next to three of them...but I hadn’t had lunch without Vikings in nearly three weeks...and this didn’t make my life one of contentment and/or joy...

7 comments:

earthtoholly said...

Uhhh...so...how's it feel to be back in the motherland, drjay?! [*she nervously asks*]

Aggie said...

So, you haven't returned an ethereal light beam then?

Jana Victoria said...

Nice post for april fools day! hehehe

svasti said...

I remember those Vikings, they came 'round these parts one time, with their show-offy mad skillz and their "hey, this is better than pillaging, right?" attitude.

Man, those guys really suck! I mean, if its not enough to be a Viking, which, y'know... most Vikings are like dead and shit these days. But NO, not these guys, they just keep on living and then decide they can acquire magical skills and show them off, just because they are non-dead peace-loving Viking dudes!

Seriously, so much attitude and what can you do??

As for the rabbits, I heard tell they keep a few on hand, just in case one of their fur shirts wears out (they might be able to walk on water, but they haven't worked out how to stop clothes deteriorating yet). And hey, there's nothing like rabbit stew when you're on the go. Although, the problem is they breed like... rabbits. So, they're a little out of control, y'know?

Not that the Vikings care. But you get that, with Vikings.

earthtoholly said...

Drjay, are you and Svasti related or somethin'?

I swear, you twooz are at the very least kindred spirits...

svasti said...

@earthtoholly - maybe we're kindred bunnies, did you ever think of that?? Anyway, if I can get @Dr Jay to stop throwing f#*king daisies at me, we'll be all good. Promise.

cati_in_the_sky said...

your writing in this post resembles my brain in restless nights

good luck on your journey

you are a light ion the dark for many, even if you also don't have any idea what you're doing. not even if. because!