More Than Two Months Since The Last Yoga For Cynics Post

...more than two months since the last Yoga for Cynics post...can there be any more dire evidence of the decline and fall of blogging?...maybe...more likely, it’s just a reflection of my mental state...and what is a blog, at its best, but a mirror?...

...a brief listing of blog posts you may have missed since they never got written would have to include: I’m Miserable, Still Miserable, Totally Miserable, Oh God Am I Miserable, and I’m Gonna Try to Get All Sophisticated and Spiritual and Discuss My Misery in Terms of Samsara and the Buddha’s Four Noble Truths....in other words, ya haven’t missed much...(though there have been a few really, really insightful, interesting, and amusing Elephant Journal articles...with complete sentences, and everything)...

...things are improving, now, as the feverish ozone of the hottest summer ever gives way to the light chilly breezes of fall, and I’m packing boxes, getting ready to move the cynically yogic base of operations from the somewhat isolated sylvan hills of Mt. Airy, State of Perpetual Mellowness, U.S.A. to the more urban and connected, yet still somewhat sylvan, streets of West Philly, State of Semi-Intellectual, Semi-Grungy Samadhi, U.S.A....packing a few boxes but, mostly, throwing stuff out...

...if there’s one lesson I’ve learned lately, it’s that there’s an awful lot that needs to be thrown out...and I’m working on it...

Hello, Cleveland?

...I’m thinking about reading some blog stuff at this open mike at a local coffee shop this Saturday*...............................you heard it right...that's:

*****YOGA FOR CYNICS—ABSOLUTELY LIVE!!!!*****

...which means, yes, the cozy anonymity and serene dignity of the yogi blogger’s staid, quiet life, typing away and silently meditating like an aesthetically sensitive urban anchorite, a mystic radical subsisting on prana, stale bread, and the sad solemn songs of the heart in his dusty, book-lined, cheap incense-scented garret...lost, forsaken, repudiated for the tantalizing allure of footlights...the empty glare and ever elusive satiety of fame and glory...

...and who knows where things could go from there...

...screaming fans, endorsement deals, and giant bowls of M&M's...(minus the brown ones)...promoters, bodyguards, and ostentatious sunglasses worn indoors...a life of outrageous, excess, tired tour buses, trashed hotel rooms, jaded groupies, and absurd quantities of booze and dangerous drugs...the hopelessly compromised artist's desperation in trying, at first, to hold on to lofty ideals and integrity in a crazed whirlwind of contracts, parties, frenzied dissipation, and increasingly expensive habits...squandered talents, supermodels, private jets, and paranoia...teenage angst has paid off well, now I’m bored and old...fulfilling an endless round of contractual obligations, only now and then wistfully remembering the days when it meant something more than than a vain struggle to maintain a decadent lifestyle worthy of a Viking chieftain or Borgia pope...

...sounds cool...in a way.................maybe I’ll skip it...



* the High Point at Allen’s Lane, West Mt. Airy, State of Caffeinated Samadhi, USA, sometime between 2:00 and 4:00 PM

Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master Speaks!

The following is the first entry in this blog’s long awaited Yogic Perspectives guest blogger series, made possible by the generous support of the Worldwide Yoga Merchandisers Association Inc. and the Words of the Profit Spiritual Center of Marin County. Our first guest blogger is Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master, founder of the Samadhi or Death! chain of yoga studios.

Yo! This is Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master from Samadhi or Death! Yoga and I’m feelin’ good! That’s cuz I just came outta yoga class, and maaaaaan did I kick some ass! These mellow yoga freaks come in with their cosmic attitudes and I tell ‘em you call that shit downward facin’ dog? I call it frickin’ pathetic...and then I show ‘em how a real Yoga Master does it! If they can’t handle it, it ain’t my frickin’ problem!

Let's face it, for most people, just lookin’ at somebody as physically and spiritually advanced as me crushes their frickin' big egos! And that’s the first step toward showin’ ‘em what enlightenment’s all about! Yeah, I hear what some of these lame-ass so-called yogis say about my style of yoga! They’re like duuude it’s not about bein’ all competitive and shit...and I’m like yeah, I’d probably tell myself that too if couldn’t do a frickin’ chattaranga for more than ten frickin' seconds! And I’m sure I’d have no problem with different body types if I was walkin’ around with a frickin’ spare tire and a saggy ass instead of the perfect six-pack abs and buns of steel I got from doin' the patented asana routines of Samadhi or Death! Yoga!

Now don't get me wrong: yoga’s not just about kickin’ everybody’s ass at sun salutations and scorin’ on all the hot yoga babes...tho that shit ain’t bad, believe me! It’s also about clearin’ out your mind and gettin’ to a more spiritual place and shit! And that’s why these people are soooo frickin’ jealous, cuz they know I’m totally awake and they’re too caught up in their frickin’ egos to see it! But I’m totally past that bullshit! I’m all about bein’ positive and in tune with the universe and shit, and if people wanna get all negative cuz I show ‘em how much they suck at yoga, that’s their own frickin’ bad karma, and I got no frickin’ time for that! When you got rock hard yoga abs like mine, you don’t frickin’ need an ego!

If you think you can handle the real shit, come check us out at Samadhi or Death! Yoga! And be sure to buy a copy of my new book, Restorative Poses are for Pussies! And don’t even think I’m gonna end with any of that namaste crap—you want me to honor the light inside you, you better be prepared to frickin’ earn it!

Yoga for Cynics takes no responsibility, legal, ethical, or otherwise, for the content of this series...really—we’re just in it for the corporate sponsorship money....