Saturday, January 17, 2009

Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master Speaks!

The following is the first entry in this blog’s long awaited Yogic Perspectives guest blogger series, made possible by the generous support of the Worldwide Yoga Merchandisers Association Inc. and the Words of the Profit Spiritual Center of Marin County. Our first guest blogger is Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master, founder of the Samadhi or Death! chain of yoga studios.

Yo! This is Bernie the Enlightened Yoga Master from Samadhi or Death! Yoga and I’m feelin’ good! That’s cuz I just came outta yoga class, and maaaaaan did I kick some ass! These mellow yoga freaks come in with their cosmic attitudes and I tell ‘em you call that shit downward facin’ dog? I call it frickin’ pathetic...and then I show ‘em how a real Yoga Master does it! If they can’t handle it, it ain’t my frickin’ problem!

Let's face it, for most people, just lookin’ at somebody as physically and spiritually advanced as me crushes their frickin' big egos! And that’s the first step toward showin’ ‘em what enlightenment’s all about! Yeah, I hear what some of these lame-ass so-called yogis say about my style of yoga! They’re like duuude it’s not about bein’ all competitive and shit...and I’m like yeah, I’d probably tell myself that too if couldn’t do a frickin’ chattaranga for more than ten frickin' seconds! And I’m sure I’d have no problem with different body types if I was walkin’ around with a frickin’ spare tire and a saggy ass instead of the perfect six-pack abs and buns of steel I got from doin' the patented asana routines of Samadhi or Death! Yoga!

Now don't get me wrong: yoga’s not just about kickin’ everybody’s ass at sun salutations and scorin’ on all the hot yoga babes...tho that shit ain’t bad, believe me! It’s also about clearin’ out your mind and gettin’ to a more spiritual place and shit! And that’s why these people are soooo frickin’ jealous, cuz they know I’m totally awake and they’re too caught up in their frickin’ egos to see it! But I’m totally past that bullshit! I’m all about bein’ positive and in tune with the universe and shit, and if people wanna get all negative cuz I show ‘em how much they suck at yoga, that’s their own frickin’ bad karma, and I got no frickin’ time for that! When you got rock hard yoga abs like mine, you don’t frickin’ need an ego!

If you think you can handle the real shit, come check us out at Samadhi or Death! Yoga! And be sure to buy a copy of my new book, Restorative Poses are for Pussies! And don’t even think I’m gonna end with any of that namaste crap—you want me to honor the light inside you, you better be prepared to frickin’ earn it!

Yoga for Cynics takes no responsibility, legal, ethical, or otherwise, for the content of this series...really—we’re just in it for the corporate sponsorship money....

9 comments:

Lydia said...

Bernie the Enlightened,
OK..OK!...so I get that you're one totally awake and enlightened yogi. Your disdain for competitiveness is apparent. What with your release of ego and all I'm surprised you could describe yourself to us without coming across like one of those lame-ass yogi wannabes you mentioned. As another enlightened leader said once: Mission Accomplished. I may buy your book but I'm highly anticipating your sequel, Eka Pada Rajakapotasana is for Dicks.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

By any chance was Bernie a silent partner in Globo Gyms?

Aggie said...

Hell, I think I know this guy ... he is everyman thats ever worked out at the gym. Lol!
(His bad temper comes from all the steroids he pops to help pump up the volume.)

earthtoholly said...

I'm guessin' that Bernie is an ex-Marine who spends his free time watching Rambo flicks??? Aside from frickin' yoga, that is...

svasti said...

Bernie sounds hot! Is he like, y'know... single? I mean, I'm sure he's got a line up of willing young babes a mile long but hopefully I can jump on the end of that line... wow, what a turn on this guy is!! ;)

Cynthia said...

harsh...I might have to come back to see how this all works out...I read your interview, and some other postings, your tone is uneven, I can't tell when you're serious. (sorry about that) I wish you all the best.

Janet said...

Good one Jay:-)

Mista Jaycee said...

Somehow I think Bernie's gone off the deep end. That wasn't enlightenment you hit Bernie, that was Jerkatude!
Enjoy!
Jaycee

Lana Gramlich said...

*LOL!* Sounds very interesting, I must say!