Saturday, January 3, 2009

Going to Eleven: The Obligatory New Year's Resolutions Post

The Dormouse: You've got no right to grow here.
Alice: Don't talk nonsense. You know you're growing too.
The Dormouse: Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace, not in that ridiculous fashion.
Lewis Carroll

These go up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel, This is Spinal Tap

As I believe I said, or at least vaguely referred to (more likely), I don’t do the New Year’s thing. Nonetheless, to show my deep commitment to personal growth, I here present:

****Eleven New Year’s Resolutions****

1. To forget the lyrics to “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.
2. To write the Great Southwestern Antarctican Novel.
3. To be the first postmaster general of the United States to unicycle to the top of Mount Everest wearing leiderhosen made of pancake flour.
4. To master new and original yoga poses like Inebriated Oxen Herd, Three Point Sweater, and Muppet Off His Meds (and, of course, to translate each of those into Sanskrit).
5. To eat my weight in zinc every morning, half my weight in artificial sweeteners every evening, and wake up to drink a third of my weight in melted styrofoam every half hour during the night.
6. To read Moby Dick aloud, unabridged, backwards, to an audience of millions, with live musical accompaniment by Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, and Ludwig Van Beethoven (performing simultaneously).
7. To end all international conflicts that aren’t likely to inspire good movies.
8. To invent the one device that will make the xylophone, zebra mussel, and cotton gin obsolete.
9. To experience photosynthesis and deep-fry myself.
10. To have my tonsils, adenoids, and appendix replaced with those of Werner Herzog, Alfonso Cuaron, and Pedro Almodovar, respectively.
11. To make the Venus de Milo smile.

The untold want by life and land ne’er granted,
Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find.
Walt Whitman


Me-Me King said...

1.) The fact that you know the lyrics to "The Gambler" scares the hell out of me.

11.) To make the Venus de Milo smile - "I turn to stone when you are gone, I turn to stone."

Best of luck with the rest of your list!

Anonymous said...

Yeah whatever... I know your real new year's resolutions anyways, at least some of 'em... ;)

Anonymous said...

I'd pay a bit to see #9 ... but I think you are quite safe with the normal "falling over" of all the rest of your resolutions. Phew!
I resolved not to have any at all ... but wait ???

aviva said...

Amy Winehouse, Jimi Hendrix, and Ludwig Van Beethoven together? What would we call that band?

Lydia said...

I'm most interested in #4. Please take care of this one soon.

Brooks Hall said...

I think I'd like to have an enchanted friendship with the mythical god Pan.

Janet said...

I too am looking forward to the new poses. There will be video, yes?

Jane Doe said...

Those are some great resolutions. Thanks for the laugh!

Have a great day!


Brunhilda said...

I love number two. Thanks for the giggles and happy new year!

Kim said...

Good luck forgetting the Gambler. That song is like locusts to your brain.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Your New Years Resolution reads a bit like the itinerary of Burning Man.


They might even have some great Summer Solstice Ritual involving The Gambler lyrics or Kenny Rogers. No doubt it involves an entheogen soaked night and day of sweat filled weird fun.
You have to bring your own neon plunger though.

(¯`•._.•[Raaji]•._.•´¯) said...

hehe.. good luck keeping all of them :-)

Rhiannon said...

Forgetting the lyrics of Kenny Rogers singing the "Gambler"? Just reading that resolution made me remember this horrid song all over again..:o(

You really are a Cynic aren't you?

Hope the New Year was good.



Rhiannon said...

P.S. I absolutely love the artwork in this's another one of my favorites..the colors and light are so beautiful and there's such a sense of feeling of freedom and grace in the way she is standing and gazing up to the can just feel it.

Lana Gramlich said...

I totally want to see #3. TOTALLY!

Gypsy at Heart said...

This post reminds me of a quote by Robin Williams:

"You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it."

Don't ever lose it Jay. I'd hazard you got the best little spark of madness that was ever handed out.

Fabulous post. I enjoyed it tremendously.